As I am pushed through life at its own pace, not mine, it gets a bit overwhelming.
I would love to be able to hit pause.
I would love to be able to catch up and have a chance to get it right.
Alas this journey does not pause, or rewind.
It is a continual forward motion where the only other option is stop.
When you hit that stop button you cannot push play again. It’s done.
As I said, there is no rewind.
Once that play button is hit there is no going back. I don’t think you realize the depth of that until you become a parent or you reach a certain point in life.
There are those that are great at keeping up, at making sure there is no need to rewind or pause. While others, like myself are constantly getting tangled and mangled and barely able to keep playing.
I tend to be a bit retrospective at times, which is a good, and a bad thing. I also tend to be a bit introspective. I am constantly going over, thinking of each situation, each scenario, figuring out what I could have done better, and how to fix it for the next time, if there is a next time.
That gets very exhausting.
I would love to turn off the urge. I wish I had more confidence to move forward, trusting my intuition and knowing that the choices I am making are the right ones. I have made a lot of bad decisions so it has taken a lot for even myself to see that I can and do make some pretty good ones. I had to gain that confidence in myself to even be able to trust myself.
When you are a child you can have your tantrum, you can have a fit and let it all out. You can release, have a breakdown and be okay. Then as you get older it becomes more complex. Instead of it taking maybe a few days to get over something it now takes weeks, even months.
That is when being an adult is hard.
When you so desperately need a timeout, but do not have the option of taking one. Life creates the need for such situations, but alas, due to said life, you cannot take enough time out to regroup and handle it.
Such a conundrum. And oh so exhausting.