Music and the passion of another icon…

Growing up music was my therapy, my escape. It has been as long as I can remember. It is the core of who I am. I have a hard time, harder than most, remembering things but the moment I hear a song I can recall moments that normally would be locked in my self made vault.

I fell asleep to the radio growing up. I had to have some type of noise as I could not deal with it being quite, it scared me, still kind of does. My mother tells a story of how when I was about three she had put me to bed and I was sound asleep when she heard me. She went to tell me to go to bed but she heard me singing Deniece Williams “Silly”. She caught the tail end of my performance apparently. She said I sang the song note for note and fell right back to sleep. When I heard that story I then understood why I could heard that song to this day and sing it after not hearing it on a regular basis.  That is just a little background of me… and my passion for music.

I love singing, but I hate it… why? Well… I heard the most beautiful voice singing this love song called “Saving All My Love For You” when I was about 8. I instantly wanted to sing like that. I saw the video for “How Will I Know” (which became my song for my 5th grade crush… lol) and I wanted to be Whitney Houston. She was everything I wanted to be. Beautiful, humble, classy, just amazing. It frustrated me so bad that I could not sound like her no matter how hard I tried. I remember crying because I couldn’t sound like her. (A few years later I would go through the same thing with Mariah Carey)

I remember practicing and singing the quintessential talent show song “The Greatest Love of All” and I actually had a chance to perform it in 6th grade. It was in January and on the day of the talent show I was swinging on the tire swing at my school and fell off. I was knock out cold and one of my classmates carried me in to the principals office. I woke, threw up, and my grandmother came and took me to the hospital. I had a concussion and was told to rest. I threw a huge fit. I WAS GOING TO SING!! I HAD to go!! She was adamant that I couldn’t because of my injury. I was adamant that I was fine. My Bigma of course won that argument and I was so heartbroken. I wanted to be able to pay honor to my favorite star and was not able to.

As her career progressed I still sang along with her and wanted to sing like her.

When I’m Your Baby Tonight came out my 8th grade year I saw the video for that song and wanted to dress like her beatnik character!!! LOL!!! I have always wanted to emulate her. She was untouchable, just wonderful!!

I had a crush on Bobby Brown during his New Edition days and when he went solo so I understood his appeal but it broke my heart when I saw the toxic relationship they had. It is so sad how another person becomes your everything and then they abuse that till there is nothing left of you…

Since her passing so many memories have come back of my love for her, my respect, my just I guess idolization of her. Yes I know that you are not supposed to  have “idols” but I did growing up… and two have now passed on, Michael Jackson, and now Whitney Houston.

My heart aches and mourns… I feel like I have lost part of me, yet again…

though the photo was taken pre Whitney I wrote the caption in middle school… I wanted to be a singer so bad because of her but knew it would never happen.

written 2.18.12


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