Fear and Wanting in Grand Rapids


I have always wanted success and happiness. I wanted the fabulously handsome, charming husband with the nice house, car, SUV, 2 kids, a cat (or two) and a dog. As far as career, I didn’t really sway at all… even as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher, a mother, and of course an astronaut, and an actress/singer/dancer.

I saw myself on Broadway, until my Bigma whom I called ma (she did raise me after all) completely shut the idea down and told me I was too short, and pretty much made me feel I was too ugly to make it in show business. Way to crush a child’s dreams. Anyway, I pursued it slightly but always in the back of my mind I was never quite confident enough to push any further than I did. Too scared of rejection and humiliation. I do have the fun of hopefully one day telling my child I was in a movie and I used to sing with my friends and we honestly could have made a name for ourselves if we just would have tried harder.

With my photography career I get knots in my stomach sometimes thinking about it. I wonder if I am good enough I wonder if I will ever be as successful as I want to be. There are times when I get behind that camera and take photos and I get tingles, I feel electric and can just tell it is going well. Those are moments I take with me and they fuel me. Then there are times where I feel like throwing my camera and just giving up because nothing is going right. I usually pack my camera up and let it sit for a while after moments like that just because I get so discouraged. I then get upset at myself a while later at not pushing harder and truly working toward my dream of my own studio.

I have a classic case of wanting success, but too afraid to push myself to get there. I am afraid of failing and succeeding all in the same breath. I am too afraid to fail because who wants to go for something they love and suck at it!?! I am also very afraid of succeeding because once success happens then the downward climb begins and that I think is scary. To reach a plateau and know it is kind of unnerving. What do you do then?

I know one thing… I am not going to let my fear stop me. I have to continue and stop being a quitter and a scaredy cat. If not regret creeps in and oh boy, I have enough of that, no need to add more to it.



originally written 5.17.11


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