A Barren Existence


I look at my pictures of me as a child, and get sad when I start to think I wonder if my child would have my eyes, or the fathers cheeks. I think like that automatically for some reason and then I have to stop myself beacause I will never know.

Being barren is something I have known about and had to deal with ever since I was an adolecent. Knowning I will never be able to reproduce was a hard thing to get past as I grew older. I remember dealing with it as a teen and my sister caught on, she was about 12 or so and told me I could have one of her eggs. I thought that was the most selfless thing I had ever heard at the time. I also knew if down the line I was truly wanting to procreate I would not ask her just because of all that goes along with it and I just feel like she would always know and I was not sure how either of us would handle the situation.

I was engaged for 2 years to someone who threw the fact he could not slip up and have a baby with me in my face. So much so he cheated and got a girl pregnant and then later down the line once we broke up the first relationship he jumped into after me he made sure he got her pregnant right away. Then he had the nerve after all that to say now things will be different because he has kids. The audacity of such truly outraged me and just made me see how truly skewed his reality was and made me that much happy to be away from him.

Now I am in another serious relationship, this time I hope it lasts forever. I truly have never felt such complete love, respect and trust for someone I was romantically interested in. I am truly happy and feel utterly blessed to have him. So now again the topic of children, marriage and forever brings about my insecurity of not being able to conceive a child. I see him and that is all I see, the house, the car, the family and I cannot give him the latter. Yes, we can do the invetro thing so he has a genetic link, and yes we can adopt, but that is just part of it.

Psychologically I think it really messes with a woman’s head to not be able to to the main thing she was put on earth to do. I truly think that even though humans have evolved quite a bit since the practice of bonking a woman on her head and dragging her into the cave to keep the species going there is still that part of us that knows we truly do have a purpose of procreation to carry out. It is part of our DNA to want to continue our lineage. So it is hard when a woman loses the one thing that pretty much makes her a woman. I have dealt with it, and have plans on how to overcome the issue but to never know the joy, or agony, of buying a pregnancy test and waiting to see the results is something I think about a lot.

I see my friends having babies and my heart aches. All I want is to be able to be a mother and raise a child. All I want is to be able to nurture and care for a little one and watch it develop into an adult and know that whatever they do, however they are is all because of me. That is truly amazing. One day I will know that joy, but for right now I live vicariously through my friends and family and cherish every moment. I am blessed, and whenever I do have a child it will be that much more special because of the struggle. I cannot wait for that day!

Here is a link about Turner’s Syndrome

Turner’s Syndrome Society


One comment

  1. Hi, thanks for sharing your journey. You are a beautiful woman and as a man I can’t truly speak on how you must feel, but I do know that if you can’t change something, you have to change the way you see it, perceive it and respond to it. Stop beating yourself up over something you can’t change and do the things you can do something about. I have no doubt that you are a carrying and loving person and if it’s invetro, adoption or another option, I know you will share that love with and be an important part of the lives of many young people rather they are your own or not. I don’t have any kids yet and sometimes am unsure if I want to have kids, which is one reason I am single because my ex wanted kids and I was on the fence and I knew it was unfair to her to keep “wasting her time”. I am an adolescent counselor with over 50 “kids”, but sometimes I think I do get that natural feeling to want one of my own, but it’s never been an issue and I am down for adopting someday.


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