Tick… Tick… Tick… BOOOOOM!!!!!

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I have been in a relationship for three nearly four years.

I wanted to marry him the moment we became serious.

Maybe it was because I was engaged before and just wanted that again, or maybe I just knew he was/is the one.

So for a while there it was a bit frustrating that we were moving at a slow pace, in my opinion that is.

We argued for a bit actually about that because it began to fester. That is when I learned that passive aggressive is not the way to be, it just causes a lot of unnecessary drama.

So I have relaxed and learned to enjoy my relationship and know that when the time is right I will have the ring, and the husband.

Lately though babies have been on my mind a lot more than normal. Which for those of you who know me is a lot on a normal day. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother and raising a child. The moment I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Chris it just became that more of a want, a desire, a craving, a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. He would be such a wonderful father, and together I think we would raise an amazing child.  That is why the fact that I cannot bear a child eats away at me more and more and is becoming more and more difficult for me to ignore. I am so thankful that he seems to be okay with the fact I cannot conceive, but I know deep down it hurts him, since he wants to be a father just as much as I want to be a mother.

I really have been weighing out my options, and I want to adopt, but I also want to get an egg donor and do the invetro fertilization with the donors egg and his sperm so that way the child is biologically linked to him. For a while it was just a thought but now I want to move forward and start planning this so that way when the time arises we are prepared and it doesn’t take so long. I am thirty-three and time does not stop just because I want a baby. Time to get in gear and start planning. The only thing, money and whether or not to talk to a family member about an egg or to find an anonymous donor. I have thought about it, and really would love to ask a family member but not sure how that would go over with them.

A lot to think about and a lot of maturing and preparing to do before the time arrives for us to take that step.

I just know I want it to be soon.

My heart breaks every time I see a newborn, or see a pregnant woman. I even catch myself looking in the mirror and sticking out my stomach just to pretend….

So with lots of prayers and blessings maybe soon the process can begin.

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