Have you ever wondered what if? Have you ever looked at your life and felt like it isn’t what you wanted at all? You could be very happy in all honesty but there could still be that tingle of “there’s something missing” and that is what I have been thinking about. The “there’s something missing” that happens in life.
Speaking personally my life is no where near what I envisioned growing up. I just knew I would be famous, somehow, be it dancing, singing, acting, or all three, I just wanted to perform. I would see movies, watch Broadway plays and learn and recite lines and sing every song. That was my goal, to be a star, preferrably a Broadway star.
As I got older that drive started fizzling. Discouraging words, and rejection in my personal life kicked my self-esteem down to the lowest of lows and I started giving up. I began envisioning a different dream, something more “realistic” as I was often told to do.
What happens when that drive, that burn, that desire is snuffed out? Does it ever really go away? Are we prisoners of our hopes for the rest of our lives? Will the deepest unfulfilled desire always come back to haunt?
Sometimes it feels as though I am living someone else’s life. Like I am not walking in my own skin even. I feel disassociated from the world I live in. The city I live in, even some of the friends I have seem surreal to me at times. Growing up I went to symphonies, musicals, and plays. There were cotillions, debutante balls, and luncheons where I learned from others how to conduct myself with the utmost class and carry myself with grace and style. I was groomed for success, had all the tools, but was never told how to use them. It is as if I was given this great gift, without any instructions. I attempted to go out there and make the best of what I was given but because of my insecurities and lack of support I fell short. There is a nagging, a longing, a desire that I just cannot seem to excape. There are times when I literally want to scream and pull out my hair because my life is nothing like I planned it.
I see people and sometimes I wonder if they are living the life they have envisioned growing up or if they are happy with their lives. I wonder if they have just accepted the fact that this is the life that has been set before them and are content with that notion. I do not think I am comfortable with settling for the life I have so far. I want more, and I feel I deserve more. I have a lot to offer and so much I want to show the world and I am going to do my best to do just that.