My Dreams… My Soul Cries Out Sometimes (10.9.08)

This was published originally on 10.9.08

Me 1995 Jon T Dance Arts Center
1995 my last year of dancing at Jon T Dance Arts Center

I made the mistake of watching Chicago tonight and well… yeah… it opened some floodgate of repressed regret or something 😦

Ever since I could talk and walk my passion has been performing. When I was about 3 or 4 I wanted to be in movies or on Broadway. I saw the movie Fame and lost my mind. Then Annie, then the movie E.T.

I just really wanted to act or sing or dance. Performing was something that ran deep within me. I started taking piano lessons around that time and when I was around 12 I stopped because I was bored. I started dancing at 8 which to me was a late start and fell in love. I danced until my junior year of high school and then I took dance class in college. I even dabbled in singing for a bit taking singing lessons and even had a group for .5 seconds but that didn’t last long.

If I had the ability to change anything, it would be that. I would love to go back, have the same life, minus the family drama I delt with as a young child, and pursue my passion. I would take my talent more seriously, take chances, go out there and actually accomplish my dream.

I look back and it depresses me sometimes. I see so many lost oppourtunities, so many lost moments, gone because of either money, grandparents holding me back, or myself holding me back.
When I saw Tracie Spencer on Star Search I cried, when I saw Brandy for the first time I cried, Aaliyah was just indescribable to me. When I saw “Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears I was angry and turned the station. I was fed up. She reminded me so much of my drive, my energy, everything, and she was only 16 and here I was 21 or so…. I was livid. I was upset because when I saw her I knew that if she could do it so could I.

Brandy, her idol was Whitney Houston, I remember reading in an article that she used to spend hours on end listening to Whitney and singing with her. If my grandmother were alive she too could tell you stories of me bugging her singing Whitney and practicing all the time in front of my big mirror upstairs or in the den with her.

I dunno, I get like this every so often. Heartbroken, lost, wishing I would have done more.

Two of my friends are out there pursuing their dreams (you know who you are… my lovely NYC sis in particular!!) and I am soooo proud of them! They have made it further than I did and for that they deserve a lot of praise. It is hard to push yourself to do it. You want to give up, you want to quit, you feel like it is sooo far away. It’s not. Your dreams are only as far as your minds lets them be.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

I wish someone had of told me that…. maybe I would be someplace else right now.

This TV show gave me chills at 5 years old! I wanted to be a dancer so bad!!!

Two songs I will more than likely sing to my daughter when I have one

Tracie Spencer was so awesome to me as a kid!! This song holds the test of time…

My mother tells a story about how she put me to bed one night when I was around 3 or 4 and she used to leave the radio on for me. Well she heard me singing and came up to tell me to go to bed but stopped because I guess I woke up and sang every note of Denise Williams Silly and fell right back to sleep… lol
I always was curious as to how I knew the song as well as I do to this day when I rarely hear it…. *shrugs*

and of course… the musical/movie that inspired this blog…

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