Depression is not an easy thing to deal with. There are such highs and lows that come with the daily struggle to stay balanced. Sometimes weeks go by and everything is so even, right on track, comfortable and balanced. Then all of a sudden the slightest thing can invite depression right back.
I look back and realize I have been depressed since I was a child. The feeling of just wanting to give up and feeling worthless. I remember listening to the radio and crying at certain songs. A song that sticks out is Broken Wings by Mister Mister, but that is just one of several. As an adult and being able to understand the depth of pain I felt at such a young age it truly saddens me. I never talk about it, I buried it and did the proverbial sweeping it under the rug. I thought I was normal, that everyone was sad. I thought everyone felt like they didn’t deserve to live when they were 10. I had no clue that I actually should have talked about it. I look back also and realize how unstable my childhood was for a while until my grandparents had custody of me. A child is so fragile, so vunerable, and such a sponge to all that goes on around them, and I saw and felt things that a child should never see or have to feel.
As a adolecent suicide was on my mind but I knew better than to do that. I was too chicken to do it, and I knew it would effect people I didn’t want to effect. My younger sisters in particular. I then learned how to handle it and push it down and write, whenever I was upset I would write. That is what helped me, I have jorunals from 6th grade till today. So my journal in essence was my thearpist.
I remember when I lived in Orlando and stood in the kitchen with a scalding hot knife in my hand and I just dropped it on the counter and sat on the floor and cried. I then decided to self diagonse myself on the internet and back then what I found was I have dysthemic disorder. Which is where you feel like everything is fine and then you just sink into depression and snap right back out.
I have not actually spoken to a therapist or pyschologist about it, and I really don’t think I want to. I would rather handle it on own without medication and I have plenty of therapists disguised as my friends.
I had a hard time writing this because it is very personal, and very controversial. I decided to write it because it was begging to be written. I used to feel like depression was something to look down on. I thought people would look at me like I was odd. Now I have come to the realization that there comes a time when you stop caring about what other people think and do what is healthy and best for you.

He's Just Not That Into You

I worked at a bookstore about three years ago and would periodically wander to the “self-help” section to try and seek out advise about my then toxic relationship just hoping that an answer would jump out of the book and help solve the dilemma in my brain.
I saw the book He’s Just Not that Into You with it’s girly cover and flipped through it for a brief second. In my mind it was not worth reading simply because it seemed marketed to a younger audience so I decided to pass it up.
Everytime someone bought it I would ponder reading it. I never did though. I had this self righteous attitude about it. I felt I was better than that book, there was no way that frilly book held the answers to the deep questions that I held inside. I love pyschology and tend to pyschoanalyze a lot of situations. I figured that book would tell me things I already knew.
That’s just it though. I did know the answers to my questions, but was not smart enough or willing to push myself to change my habits and change things I knew needed to be changed. I sat and was miserable with my situation, knew how to fix it, but chose not to because of fear.
That made me think, wait, is that what the books are for? Not so much to tell you things that you already know but to motivate. Reading it, relating and seeing things in a different light triggers something, it challenges sometimes. I droppped my pretentous attitude about “self-help” and started digging deeper.
I started truly wondering why so many people were fascinated with those books and with people like Dr. Phil.
We are truly in a time where there are a lot of lost souls. People pondering their own existance, wondering what it all means. People wanting to get it right but not having the tools needed to get it right on their own. As humans continue to evolve our brains start connecting in more ways, feeling things deeper, wanting more substance and I truly think these books are stepping stone for that. These books take a generic look at situations and offer the best solutions based on a culmination of data and experiences. It is up to us to draw from those experience and come up with our own best judgement or answer.
I now have a new found appreciation for “self-help” and all that it entails. I had to open my own mind a bit and realize that it is truly what it says. Self-help, a way of helping yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.
OH, and as far as He’s Just Not That Into You, I still haven’t truly read the book, but I saw the movie and love it. The movie is smart, witty, and actually has a very valid point. So maybe that means that the book is all that people say it is. I have no need to read it, I am very happy with where I am relationship wise. If I ever have a friend who needs advise, or has questions about relationships I just might recommend they read the book with the pink baground and the phone on the cover. Wait, have they changed the cover? Ah well, you get my point ;o]

As a dreamer (I was even voted class dreamer in high school… lol) letting go of dreams, hopes and fantasies is a difficult thing to do. You end up feeling like you are just going through the motions of life. You feel uncomfortable and naked. Exposed to the ugly that is out there in the world. There is nothing worse than a dreamer who has forgotten to dream. There is nothing worse than letting go of a dream that is just in arms reach and then looking back and getting smacked in the face with reality.
Nationwide is right. Life does come at you fast. I have been thinking about life, and how much I have not done and how much I want to do. I am going to turn 32 in two months and that is tapping me in the back of the head and at any moment it’s going to scream and knock me down a couple pegs. Makes me think of Dane Cook when he talks about crying and how there is just that moment where there is a tap on your shoulder and you turn around and it’s the world and it says “you’re gonna cry”. Of course he said it a hell of a lot funnier but you get the jest.
This economy is screwed to shit, my friends are losing jobs left and right, everyone is broke and struggling and it really weighs heavy sometimes. People are getting themselves in situations that they never saw themselves in. So many of my peers are questioning life, and what’s going to happen. It is scary. It is unnatural. This is not the way life was supposed to be at all. It’s as though everyone is having a mid-life crisis and breaking down. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? How long before we all realize that we have to do this ourselves?? WE NEED COMMUNITY!! UNITY!! Cities have gotten so big that there is no community anymore. No one knows their neighbors anymore, at least not like we used to. We used to trust our neighbors with our homes, our mail our children. Now that community, that trust is gone. We need to get back to simplicity and lose the extra bullshit. Let’s not forget that at the end of the day we are all people and we all need to know we are not alone in this struggle. Instead of sitting back and complaining let’s come up with a small solution. Be it carpooling, moving in with someone, or simply cutting out a lot of the things you used to enjoy just to make sure you are able to take care of yourself then so be it. Let’s stop living above our means with material things and live above our means with love, with compassion, with sincerity. Where has unity gone? We need it back and fast.
I don’t want to lose my dream. I want to know that I can go out there and still achieve and I want every one around me to know the same. I want to feel the tingles forever… I don’t want to stop feeling and become simply a shell of who I could have been. I want to continue being a dreamer but it is hard to do when the world around you is trying to snuff out your dream and break you. I won’t let it though. I will continue dreaming and one day I will achieve my goals and dreams.

I think it all comes down to planning. Making sure you set time aside for your friends and never forget about them and keep them informed and filled in as much as possible. Putting your man first is the most important and that is the biggest lesson I had to learn. It feels like you are abandoning your friends and that they are going to resent you at first but in the end that is so not the case. They will always be there and be in your corner as long as they know you are there for them. Having a man does not mean losing your friends and hurting them. It is adding another dynamic to who you are and that is a wonderful feeling. Falling in love and all that it entails is wonderful and something to embrace.
It is hard to let go of that single girl mentality and the complete freedom that the single life entails but I wouldn’t trade my relationship for anything in the world.

New blog assignment courtesy Aris Gracias hermana!

What is cool? That conjurs up a lot of images, ideas, people, concepts and events.
What is cool to one person might not be cool to another.
Cool is all a state of mind, a person’s opinion. It is no so much fact as it is truly an opinion.
Everyone’s idea of cool varies, it depends on our environment, on our values, on our peers.
We gravitate toward people with the same interest, same ideas, and same values.
That is a big part of bonding as a child. You think something is cool, someone else thinks something cool so you hang out. If someone doesn’t like the same things you do then you make fun of them for being different. What is cool as a child or teenager can make or brake you. If you don’t fit in you can be scared for life. It isn’t cool to be different at first and that just stifles our individuality and uniqueness. It’s actually kind of sad.
It isn’t until we are adults that we truly are ourselves and stop letting trivial things keep us boxed in.
Then being cool is being different, standing out is what attracts people. Having your own identity is cool. No one wants to hang out with a clone.
Cool is a state of mind, it’s something from within that comes out.
Cool is what we make it.

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ok this is the second assigment from Ani… man she comes up with good topics!

A person’s value is defined in many different ways. It starts with the family first though. Your household is the first sense of value, of worth, of what is right and wrong that everyone gets. Your parents values are your values as a child and as we grow and learn they change to what we feel is more appropriate if needed. Parents instill values in their children without even realizing it sometimes. It isn’t until we get older that we distinguish between our parents values and what we want as our own person.
Growing up as a child the values I learned were to get an education, be successful in whatever endeavors I chose and be an upstanding citizen. I was told to conduct myself with class and never let anyone lessen my worth. Unfortunately as I got older those two kind of fell off and I ended up making some poor decisions that inadvertently have effected my life. I was too stubborn to uphold the standards set for me, to see the value of my worth and I ended up settling for whatever path came my way.
My family and their standards became a heavy burden that I began to ignore. It was easier to succumb to the pressure of my environment and thus I guess you could say I fell off for a long time. It wasn’t until recently that I began to know who I was again, to wake up and begin fighting for my values that I had so long abandoned.
A person’s value can either be instilled from birth, or it can be something that they grasp and learn on their own. I think that sometimes learning your own value is a little more rewarding than having the values already in place and having to live up to them. You appreciate yourself more if you have to find out your values on your own with no one there putting any pressure on you.
What defines a person’s value? We as individuals define our own values. We decide what we want in our lives, what type of person we want to be, what our standards are. No matter what we may have been taught as a child or where we may have been raised it is all within ourselves as we grown and become our own person what values we want. We chose what we value, we chose what is in important to us. Our standards are set by us, our peers, and our environment. Ultimately though it is all us, we make the decisions that define our values and thus our worth as a person.
We all have a certain capacity, a certain level that we could reach, something to strive for and when we fall short our values change. Potential and value go hand in hand I think. If you know your potential and shoot for that and nothing less then you will never lessen your values for anyone. Strive for the best and be the best you that you can be.
Remember, if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.
As if I haven’t heard that a million times… lol…

Martin Luther King, Jr Day.
A day of reflection. A day of remembering the struggle of our people, the battles that were fought, both peacefully and unfortunately violently. To remember that we have made leaps and bounds from the time of slavery to Jim Crow laws and now we have a mulatto president. We have come a long way but there are still so many things holding us back. Mainly it is our own thoughts, hang ups, and ignorance on a lot of issues. It is sad that some of our black men feel that they have no hope for themselves other than slangin and making the best of what they see in front of them. There are so many resources and opportunities out there at every ones disposal and not everyone knows about them. Any American citizen has the right to a good education, the same jobs the same neighborhoods, the same luxuries. So how come so many people hold themselves back because they think it’s not possible?? It’s not even a race issue really as much as a social issue. If you come from a certain place, you tend to have certain thoughts and ideas that come from your environment. That is not good, not healthy. People need to broaden their minds and realize the potential they have, and how much they can achieve.
Dr. King’s dream was that everyone came together, that black people would finally be treated as equals, not as a lesser being. That we all could come together and live life peacefully. We have come a long way, but there are still issues that we have to get past. So many people, of every race have hang ups, misconceptions and misunderstandings. Then there are those that live up to the stereotypes, that feed peoples ideas, misconceived notions of everyone. It is sad, but true. We all need to stop pre-judging (hence the word prejudice) and take a look inward. Take our lives and learn how to help each other, how to build positive from negative. How not to look at one another as the enemy. The genocide that has taken over our black communities is not what our ancestors wanted. I mean could you see Harriet Tubman, Benjamin Banneker, Malcolm X, or Martin Luther King, Jr supporting this sad state that the black community is in? Our youth killing one another because they see no other way. There are other ways, and it is up to us to show our youth those ways.
Our new president hopefully is the beginning of the light that will bring about positive growth and change, to show youth that you can be whatever you want. To reach for the top and never stop dreaming. That is what he meant by “Yes we can” I think… it was a chant to wake up the nation, to get our blood flowing with faith, with hope, with pride. Something we hadn’t felt in 40 years as a nation! Now is the time to step up and be the great nation that so many people dreamed of.
The racial inequality, the injustice, the prejudice, that all has to end on all fronts. Ignorance breeds contempt and thus we never grow. If we teach each other right then we can grow and then the real change will come.
My grandfather on my father’s side traced his ancestry back to the first slave brought over from Africa. What part of Africa I am not sure and the dates escape my mind at the moment. All I know is that she took the Irish slave masters last name of Johnson and they named her Amanda. Thus began the lineage from which I was born. I think being called “African American” is just another way to segregate and separate. If your family has been here in America for over a century guess what, your AMERICAN!!! We all took over this land from it’s indigenous people so we are all immigrants and foreigners so why separate? Why alienate people because of differences? If you go to any other country it is not as separated as it is here. Just think for a moment…. we are all the same in some way…
Let’s take time to open our minds and broaden our horizons… let’s look past what we see in front of us. Dig deeper and look for the real truth.
Take time out to learn about others history… take time to learn about your own history.
If you don’t learn from the past you are destined to repeat it.

Dr. Martn Luther King, Jr